In every relationship, there will always be clashes of interest, from the littlest of things to the most severe ones. Whether it was that he wasn’t paying enough attention or she cheated on you, one of these inevitable clashes is usually the last straw that makes you take that huge decision and say “I’m breaking up with you.” Without mincing words, breakups are hard. The one person you could always count on is suddenly no longer available, no one to share funny stories with and make inside jokes to. As though that isn’t enough, you are constantly haunted by the memories you shared together. Because we all have different thresholds for pain, some persons get over their breakup easier and faster than others who’d rather get stuffed or get drunk, lock themselves in their apartment, see romantic movies, and cry their eyes out! And then there is you; you who wants to get back with your ex. I’d really like to clear the air on that though; deciding to get back with your ex doesn’t make you a needy or weaker person, as long as you are going back for all the right reasons. Irrespective of the distance between your breakup and proposal to make up, here are a few tips to guide you on making up with your ex and maintaining it.
Be objective
It isn’t enough to just know what you want to do; you have to know why you want to do it. Do you want to get back together because you are scared of been lonely and that you’d never find love again? Or do you just want to take revenge on your ex? Assess your true feelings and be really sure about the decision to get back together. It is okay not to want to get back together if you don’t feel the same way again. Don’t force yourself back into a hurtful relationship for anything! Go back because you really love the person and truly want to get back together.
Talk about what went wrong
Just before you both jump into the boat of a second chance, find out exactly what caused the first shipwreck. Have an honest, open discussion with your partner. Don’t play the blame game and say as much as possible. Remember, your aim is to move forward in your relationship. In order to do that successfully, you both need to find out what went wrong and avoid making the same mistakes…again. It won’t be an easy task and might feel like a reopening of an old wound, but is it essential for you to move forward in your relationship. Take turns to talk and you can make use of timers for each person to avoid any sort of argument. This is the first real step in mending your broken relationship.
Talk about the future
You getting back together with your ex means that there is a glimmer of hope somewhere. You believe there is still a chance for you both. Well, it is imperative you talk about that. You need to be on the same page with your partner about the future of your relationship. This would ensure your vision and goals are in tandem and there are no unrealistic expectations. Don’t be scared about saying what you really want and expect from your partner; if you’re going to give it another shot, it had better be your best shot!
Start slow
It is quite easy to fall back into routines of how things used to be and all, but you need to get one thing clear; you are starting over. Which means this is a new relationship; it is advisable to take things slow. You are starting over again and it should be just that, literally that. Remember how it was when you first starting dating, how the littlest of things excited you? Let’s go back to doing that. Give each other space and don’t just expect everything to go back to the way it was. Something went wrong in the previous relationship and you’ve got to do your best to ensure it doesn’t happen again.
Communication is key
Lack of adequate communication is one of the underlying causes of problems in any relationship. For a relationship to actually exist, you need to talk with the other party. And of course, they talk to you back. It is most crucial in a romantic relationship and since you are starting over, you need to talk to your partner. Don’t sweep things under the carpet or assume that your partner knows. Communicate when the need arises. Let your partner know when you are upset or when you are happy. Talk about your likes and dislikes, things you would expect them to do and things you wouldn’t. Also, listen to your partner when they need to communicate. Just as you expect them to listen to you, you should be ready to listen too. Communication is one of the many lubrications of a relationship.
Learn how to compromise
For any relationship to work, some sacrifices are necessary. So your partner has a hobby they love but you aren’t too cool with them. Instead of complaining every time they do it, how about you just let it go? A little compromise is sometimes necessary to avoid arguing or seething over the littlest things. There just might be some things you do that your partner accommodates because they’d rather be with you than be without you over something they can accommodate. This doesn’t mean you should take any form of mistreatment. Always know where the limit is and maintain that. Don’t forget the aim of the compromise is to adjust enough to accommodate your partner.
Maintain your independence
If you recall from earlier, the first tip is to know your true feelings before you decide to give it another chance, so you aren’t going back to being so dependent on your partner. Yes, you’ve started over but you still need to maintain your own independence and not become so clingy. This would only put pressure on your partner because they’ll feel the need to reciprocate so much attention and when they fall short, you’d think they don’t care enough. Set boundaries and maintain your limit. It does make you more attractive when you are able to stand on your own two feet. Spend time with other friends and invest in yourself. Develop new hobbies, keep your space, and maintain your own independence.
Be committed to the relationship
Don’t take undue advantage of the fact that there’s history between you both; be committed to the relationship and show your commitment. Make time when necessary, show up when it’s time, arrive early for dates, and make the extra effort. Your commitment is seen more in your actions than in your words, so you’ll need to show it. This is why you need to have thought through and through before starting again, so you don’t have to back out halfway. Live up to your responsibilities and don’t hesitate to admit when you are in wrong.
Learn to trust
Getting back together doesn’t mean you have completely forgotten the past. The facts of what happened remain, so trust can really become a major issue to deal with. In order to forge ahead, you need to be ready to open your heart again to trust your partner. It will not be an easy task, but it isn’t an impossible one. You would have to deliberately make sure that you relearn how to trust your partner again. Don’t give in to assumptions and learn to ask unbiased questions when in doubt. You are trying to mend something that was broken. The cracks will still be there but you’ll have to learn to look beyond them. Always firstly give them the benefit of doubt.
Be wary who you seek advice from
Truly but sadly, not everyone wishes you well. For whatever reasons they may have, some persons might be willing to give you the wrong advice for your relationship. Or they just might be really, really bad advisers! You need to be able to filter what your friends tell you. All relationships are different, so because it works in your friend’s relationship doesn’t mean it’ll work in yours. Don’t be influenced by your friends who might be saying things; YOU are the one in the relationship, not them. Make the right decisions, the ones that make you and your partner happy.
Spice up the relationship
The good thing about makeup after a breakup is that you have the memories you once shared to give you a little guidance. There might be some changes, but your partner would probably still do one or two things they like that you are aware of; use that knowledge to your advantage. Take them to those special romantic places you know they love. Plan a little surprise; it could be as little as an unexpected visit at work or an outdoor picnic on a sunny day. Add a little spice to your relationship.
Getting back together after a breakup takes courage. You will need to be emotionally and physically healthy. You are giving love a second chance with the same person, and whatever happens, be sure that you are happy doing it.
